if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
