I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
