i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
