there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
