I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
