i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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