I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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