and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
