If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
