when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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