I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
