theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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