Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
