none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
