Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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