why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
