i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
