Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
