20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I love you. Go after that dick
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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