Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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