My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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