my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
