Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
