I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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