Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
