How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
