So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My liver just had a heart attack.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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