Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
