Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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