You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize