Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
