he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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