I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
