Cold hands, warm shart.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
