and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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