maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
