I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
