1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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