Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Let's get the cat blown out
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
