I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
