On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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