Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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