It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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