According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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