And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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