I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
