Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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