GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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