I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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