Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
