the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
